


Just A Little Bit Selfish

by Gloomiebunny009



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Drama, F/M, Gen, Post-Zero Requiem, Romance, gender flip
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 19:29:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17648552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gloomiebunny009/pseuds/Gloomiebunny009
Summary: World peace has come, though the cost is high. Especially to certain people who mourn the "demon" who was actually a hero unknown to most.Zero is how Suzaku lives on. Her daily life is filled with just existing as Zero and doing what she can to fulfill Lelouch's last command to her. But regrets take a different form soon enough and the question becomes how you convince someone who already sees themself as dead to truly live?





	Just A Little Bit Selfish

For the first time in a long period, Kururugi Suzaku hits the snooze button on her alarm clock. At first she fumbles, fingers looking for the button she knows is there but can’t find... Until she hits the right one and the annoying noise ends. Groaning let’s her arm hang over her head for a moment, before she brings her it back down over her eyes.

Her body feels sluggish and heavy as exhaustion still hangs over her despite her full night’s sleep. Which is partly why she decides to skip over her morning exorcises and get an extra hour of sleep. The solider inside of her tired brain reminds her that she will regret this tomorrow. She has a training session planned with Jeremiah later today, and those always leave her sore in the end. But the all to familiar fatigue that plagues her wins out after a minute. Soon, Suzaku feels herself drifting back to a light sleep.

‘ _I have been wondering_ _when I’d hit the wall.’_ She thinks to herself as her breathing begins to slow, and her limbs relax. ‘ _Came a bit faster than I planned though.’_

It’s...it’s been months since she killed **him** , and the chaos that has surrounded Suzaku’s life has been a certain kind of insane.

For the most part the most stressful event that has gone down since that day was Nunnally’s coronation. The security had been thick, and the rehearsals many but it all worked out. And finally, after so many weeks things have started to move towards something more positive. A part of her will always be anxious that it will all fall apart despite **his** work and that some how _she_ will mess it up.

Talks for peace stated the same day she killed **him** , a shocking almost laughable thing in her opinion. Considering how every country had been at each others necks for years it made her sick. A part of her thought that for sure the Zero Requiem couldn't work. It was too crazy to do so! But people proved her wrong that day.

There had been no public funeral for the Demon Emperor, only a quick announcement **he** was buried and gone. It still hurts how fast people of the world moved on from **his** death some days for Suzaku.

It’s so easy to remember the guilt that surged through her chest at the private funeral. Nunnally organized it. Gathering those who knew of the Zero Requiem and gave them the space to grieve with her. Watching **his** sister cry over **him** , reminding her more than ever she’s the reason for these tears.

Suzaku knows this had to happen, that she was the only who could one to take up the helm of Zero... But every so often it feels empty. As if there’s a hole inside her chest that even the guilt for everything she’s done can’t fill. On better days it gnaws at her, an annoying ache that reminds her of her sins. On worse days...she barley eats; her stomach sometimes rejecting food. Or she stays silent, never uttering a word. She’s fine with this...Suzaku knows all to well she deserves it all.

So every day she pushes it down, focusing on Nunnally and being not only her protector, but the world's as well. After all there are peace meetings a plenty, and Suzaku does not have the right to dwell on these feelings. She has to keep moving, focusing on what’s ahead since this is her punishment.

Though after all this activity, and rush for peace it feels as if for the moment the world has come to the agreement. They all need a break from their work, and that’s where Suzaku finds herself.

She hates this quiet.

Hates it so much since it’s during these times that her mind wanders and she’s left with all her guilt. With the world moving and rushing towards the future she can at least put these feelings off to the side. But now...it’s like she’s stuck in her own personal hell which is exactly where she belongs.

Suzaku always shoves down that part that hopes this break will end soon. But that part can shut u--

Her damn alarm goes off! Suzaku hisses as her body tenses up at the noise, heart jumping into her throat.

Right as her brain was finally settling down the stupid thing of _course_ goes off! With a grunt Suzaku sits up glaring at the damn thing. Groaning more she rubs her eyes, remembering the dumb alarm clock is set to go off every 10 minutes.

…God how could she forget something so simple?

She switches the stupid thing off, glancing at the time to see it’s four ten in the morning. For a moment she lets herself sit there in the dark, her mind going blank. Which only lasts for a bit before Suzaku begins to let her brain kick into gear and wake up. Sleeping now would be useless so she might as well get started on her daily routine.

She grunts as she moves, twisting around to set her feet down the cool floor below, which sends a shiver up her spine. It helps wake her up more, the way it crawls up her spine and settles right under her neck. Standing up, she stretches her arms above her head as the familiar feel of bones popping into place with a crack. All the while that nice burn that comes after sleeping drifts over her, rushing through her body. Suzaku takes her time from there, moving her limbs in familiar motions she’s done for years. This will get her blood flowing and her body ready to move for the day.

Her morning rituals are nothing extreme compared to what she did as a knight. She stretches a bit, lifts some weights, does some crunches, and push ups to keep herself in shape. It distracts her little from things, and is more or less a habit she keeps out of what is familiar than anything else. The Britannian boot camp she found herself in when she joined the military drilled these exorcises into her. By this point in life it’s natural instinct for Suzaku to do them every morning. She can do them with her eyes closed, and that’s the reason why she doesn’t bother turning on her bedroom lights.

Jogging had once been a part of this routine, but she cut it out knowing well it does her no good in the end. She is dead to the world after all, so there’s no way jogging could fit into this. Sure there's the training room, but that isn't the same as running outside. In the end as long as she can keep her body moving Suzaku is happy with what she has.

This morning she cuts out the weight lifting, opting to focus on other things since she doesn’t have the time. Zero can't be late after all. The empress has a few peace talks this morning, which Zero is to attend. These meetings are set up so Nunnallycan talk to her advisers easier before the actual thing. Suzaku finds them the most boring, but she understands their importance in the end.

Half-way through her push-ups for the day Suzaku feels a familiar weight land on her back and she freezes.

Arthur meows as he lays down on her back, reminding her with ease that he is here too. She must have woken him with her alarm clock, and he took his sweet time cleaning himself. Despite the cat she pushes through the rest of her push-ups knowing he'll be fine in that spot.

It’s been a bit funny with Arthur since Jeremiah brought the cat to the palace. He’d been hissing and yowling the whole way according to the cyborg, on top of struggling non stop after being picked up. Arthur just did not want to leave Suzaku’s grave and only calmed after seeing the young woman.

The cat did not bite her when she reached out to pet him, instead he purred and Suzaku thought she’d been dreaming. Arthur always bit her or gnaw at her arm, having the cat _finally_ accept her after everything felt...so empty.

All she ever wanted with this dumb cat was for him to let her pet her...and here he was letting her do just that. It hurts that he’s friendly to her now, purring when she feeds him, meowing when he needs a treat. She doesn’t deserve this treatment...she doesn't deserve it at all…

Suzaku grunts as she stops herself, arms stretched up all the way. Arthur takes a second to jump off her back so she can stand. With the lights still off Suzaku heads to her bedroom door, Arthur following her as it slides open for them both. The cat trots ahead of her as she switches the lights on for her main living space. It stings a little, making her blink as he goes straight to the kitchen while the door slides close behind her. There is a soft click that reaches her ears as it locks, which is when she follows after Arthur. There he stands by his bowl and meows at her to fill it.

She doesn’t hesitate to open the cabinet next to his bowls, taking out his cat food as she crouches down. Suzaku scoops out a measured amount, pours it into the bowl, while Arthur rubs his face against the bag. Once that food hits the bowl, the cat pounces on it, eating his meal with the same energy as always. Suzaku pets him once before putting the bag away, standing up to start her own meal.

The last time any type of food was this least appetizing had been a year go when Euphie passed. She remembers eating so little at the time, her stomach rejecting most food. And here she is with that feeling again as Suzaku stares down at her kitchen counter. She knows she has to eat, breakfast isn’t something she can skip considering her work. _Thinking_ about putting something in her mouth makes her stomach turn sour. A harsh grimace appears as she scrunches up her face as she leans her hands against the cool surface. Squeezing her eyes shut, Suzaku forces the bile down that burns at the back of her throat with a hard swallow. She can taste the nasty bitterness at the back of her tongue while she curls her hands into fists.

‘ _Breathe...you can do this. Just_ _eat some toast, force it down your throat and you’ll be good to go.’_ She thinks as she opens her eyes.

With shaky hands Suzaku slips the two slices of bread into her toaster, and waits for it. The smell alone makes her sick to her stomach as she pops the slices back out, pressing a hand against her mouth. Despite this she makes herself adds a bit of butter and soon finds herself staring down at the toast. Nerves swirl around inside of her as the urge to toss this in the trash hits her. She holds this back and with a deep breath, Suzaku picks the toast up and takes a bite. Chewing it slow and steady, before she forces herself to swallow.

It’s a bit harder than she likes, but she finishes the two slices and surprises herself when feels up for an apple. This goes down a bit better, the sweetness of the fruit being a bit more welcoming. Despite this, that urge to to throw it away lingers. Almost everything she eats tastes the same to her, with some food having a little hint of flavor. This does make it easier for her to swallow some how.

If she didn’t have to protect Nunnally or the world she wouldn’t eat at all…

With her breakfast eaten Suzaku, tosses the apple core into in the trash. Her mind switches to getting ready for the day with ease. She first starts with washing her face with cold water in the bathroom. The cool water wakes her up a little, motivating her more to move faster. She stops in front of her door, taking a moment to put in her code at the little panel next to it. There is a sharp beep, signaling for her to press her thumb against the pad. Soon the door swishes open, letting her slip inside to finish getting ready.

Slipping on her clothing has always been easy for Suzaku. It unsettled her the day she killed him, making her wonder why it felt so natural. Now it's all to familiar, reminding her of her childhood home at the Kururugi Shrine. Empty, quiet, and filled with a sad history that hangs over her like the silence did when she was little.

Today however…

“Ow, ow, ow...” Suzaku pauses as she tries to put her binder on, eyes squeezing shut at the pain it brings.

That...that is not normal.

She stops what she’s doing and swallows as she looks down at her small chest. Why in the world are her breasts so _tender?_ Moving around earlier had hurt a bit, but it wasn’t anything Suzaku couldn’t handle so she ignored it. But now, trying to put her binder on it’s obvious that any pressure on her breast freaking hurts like hell.

It r _eally_ freaking hurts!

They’ve been a bit sore over the past month but nothing this bad, which makes her hesitate putting her binder on. Part of her wants to go without, figuring she can put on a sports bra and call it a day. She’s not the largest in the breast area after all, and she doubts anyone would notice....

No.

She has to wear her binder no matter what. Zero is a man, and that means she can’t risk anyone noticing _anything._ Even with the cape, there’s a chance that something would be off and in turn cause a scandal. Suzaku cannot afford anything like this and neither can the world. This peace is so fragile...she knows the simplest of things can break it and she refuses to let that happen.

So with a deep breath she slips the binder on, eyes squeezed shut as she sets it up with ease. The pressure against her chest hurts like hell, lingering even after she takes a few breaths. But after a moment, as she focuses on leveling out her breaths, all Suzaku feels is a dull ache. This....this is something she can deal with.

Taking a shaky deep breath, and letting it out she finds herself a bit proud she worked through this pain. Sure it's still there, and every deep breath she takes reminds her that her tits hurt like hell, but she can ignore it. Physical pain is nothing to her, she's dealt with that for years. A little soreness in her chest isn't worth ruining world peace

Putting the rest of the suit on is easy after this, which is something she’s so thankful for now. Suzaku knows well she’s got a crazy high pain tolerance but even she has limits. Even now her chest _still_ aches under her binder as she clips the cape on. The deep breath she takes, comes out as a slow hiss as she fiddles with her gloves.

Ignore it....ignore it....

Suzaku flexes her hands, listening to the leather crinkle under her knuckles. Five more minutes pass as she adjusts a few more things, finally stopping when she is happy.

She turns and leaves her room, pausing to hear that familiar click to signal it’s locked. With that satisfying little noise settling on her, she heads towards the front door. There she picks up her helmet from the hook next to it and whistles for Arthur. His ears perk up from his spot on her couch, hopping down right away as she waits for him at the exit.

Without any hesitation in her movements she first pulls up her turtle neck over her mouth. Then, finally, she holds her the helmet to her face where it clicks into place. That finally little shift from her mask makes a familiar chill run down her spine, reminding her that this is it.

Kururugi Suzaku no longer exists with this mask on. There is only Zero, who has a job to do.

Suzaku can feel it in her bones that it’s going to be a long day but, well...this is her life now until she dies.

* * *

“Oh good morning Zero!’

Suzaku has to admit to herself that she’s pretty impressed with how fast Nunnally has caught on to not say her old name. It only took two days for her to drop the slip, and she hasn’t had a problem with it at all, which Suzaku is thankful for. It’s been a rough few months but at least this one transition has gone easy.

As she approaches the Empress in her garden, Suzaku notes she's dressed a bit more casual. Her dress is still a fancy layer of frills and lace, but it's more tame than her full public attire. It's cute, and fits the young Empress while also giving her an air of professionalism. The darker color of her skirt helps balance the light pink of her blouse, while the thin white ribbon tied around her neck ties everything together.

She isn’t surprised to find Nunnally out in her large garden eating her breakfast. Even before she regained her eyesight, she always enjoyed the fresh air. Shinozaki Sayoko smiles at Suzaku as she stands straight and proud next to Nunnally. Suzaku responds with a little nod to both of them, before taking a seat across from the empress.

"Good morning." Suzaku says, her heart pulling at the face Nunnaly makes.

Yes...she's not exactly fond of the familiar voice that rings out from the mask. It often feels like it's the only thing left of **him** that is positive. No one knew he was Zero after all, and it would be odd if when he returns he has a different voice. Add in, even with deepening her voice Suzaku is no where near as deep as **he** had been.

Still....it _stings_ , and makes her hesitate speaking, especially around Nunnally.

Despite this, the girl across from her closes her eyes let's out a soft breath. As she opens her eyes a soft smile spreads across her lips.

“Did you sleep well last night?” Nunnally asks as Sayoko moves to the other end of the table.

She holds up the teapot to Suzaku, who shakes her head. The idea of trying to drink any form of Britannian tea makes her want to vomit. Besides...it's not like she can take the helmet off in such an open space anyways.

"Yes I did." Suzaku lies, happy the mask hides her face. "Thank you for asking your majesty."

“I’m glad that you did then. Are you sure you're not thirsty? Or hungry? We can move into a more private--.”

"No it's fine. I ate breakfast already before I left my room. Thank you for the offer." Suzaku shakes her head again smiling a little. Even now Nunnally is thinking of how to help her....she's too kind.

The young Empress pouts a little, looking a bit sad she isn't going to have breakfast with Suzaku. It's fleeting little pout of course, it shifting into her serious mode. She looks up at her maid, tapping her arm to get her attention.

“Alright then...Sayoko can you give Zero today’s scheduled so he can look over it while I eat?” Nunnally turns to look at Suzaku. "At least then you won't be bored waiting for me."

“Of course my lady, here you are Zero.” Sayoko hands Suzaku a clipboard she’d held behind her back. She had noticed the maid set it down earlier with the tea, and is a bit surprised it was for her. Suzaku figured it was for Nunnally. Despite this she takes the clipboard and stares down at it. “Today is a bit slower than yesterday but we have a few meetings to attend. There’s one in particular with Prince Schneizel, but it’s more over getting a budget together.”

Suzaku is once more thankful for her mask as she takes the clipboard from Sayoko. Inside she grimaces behind it at the mention of Schneizel el Britannia. If there is one thing she’s not particularly fond of, it’s working with that man. Or if she is to be more exact, it's because of the effect that has been left on him. He tends to stare at her, blank look and all, when they’re in the same room. It's clear he's waiting for any order from Zero, but it creeps her out so bad! She knows why that is but it’s still... _unsettling._

Thankfully he is usually distracted by Nunnally in these meetings. So far all Suzaku usually does during these is sit off to the side. She is supposed to be some sort of mediator, but it's not needed most days. With this there is no need for him to focus on her for an order. He's to busy talking politics and budgets to be that creepy.

Still a quick look through the schedule, Suzaku can see it’ll be busy day. But not one that will be crazy, exactly like Sayoko said. This she can handle, and wonders when things will calm down. Even now staying at the palace feels wrong despite her room. As Zero she is going to be moving to the Black Knights new command center soon. Then she'll be in more of her element, and less likely to fall asleep during the important parts.

Shifting in her seat, she holds back a grunt when her chest aches thanks to the movement. It makes her pause for a moment, the sting lingering a bit longer than she likes. It's a good minute before it finally settles, shifting back into a dull constant ache.

Nunnally has finished by now, and is speaking to Sayoko about thanking the head of the kitchen. The maid nods her head as she begins to clean the table. Looking down at the plates Suzaku is so glad the helmet tends to block out most smells. That one glance at Nunnally’s left over food makes her stomach roll.

She knows it’s not healthy...that it’s been getting harder to eat certain food and that is no good. She needs the energy to move after all, and without food she can't do that. At the same time... Suzaku’s not to worried about it. As long as she doesn’t faint, and can keep doing what she’s always done she’s fine.

She will be fine.

“It seems even during our break we’ll be busy eh, Zero?” Nunnally’s voice makes Suzaku look up from the clipboard. “But well...we have a lot of work ahead of us to make sure everything works out. So I am more than ready to work a little over time...I can’t let him down after all.”

Suzaku listens to her words, all the while her heart twists inside her chest. Words catch inside her throat, making Suzaku swallow thickly. So instead she gives the young empress a little nod, to let her know she understands.

‘ _Oh Nunnally...you’d never let_ _ **him**_ _down.’_ Suzaku thinks as she sets the clipboard down. ‘ _ **He**_ _thought the world of you and bent over backwards to make sure the future would be happy for you.’_

The determined smile Nunnally gives Suzaku makes things a little bit better. Reaching out she pats the Empress’s hand, her touch lingering a bit longer before she sits back down.

‘ _And I know_ _ **he’d**_ _be so proud of you...if_ _ **he**_ _was here.’_

* * *

“So with this in mind I was thinking we should pour our resources...”

Budget meetings are the absolute worse.

Suzaku has no clue how Nunnally can keep up with Schneizel and not want to sleep with how his voice drags on. His tone is the same as ever, controlled, soft, but firm as he points out...whatever in his budget plans. She wonders if he’s ever raised his voice an octave above his usual pitch but doubts it.

Sitting in the back on a fancy couch Suzaku supposes she’s observing the meeting. In reality she’s trying her best to not fall asleep as she listens to a million numbers and figures thrown in the air. For what she’s worth Nunnally is paying attention, writing down notes as her brows furrow together in concentration.

She’s working hard every day to make a better world, even during the super boring parts.

At this point Suzaku has given up trying to translate every word that reaches her ears. Letting the complicated English become a mass of babbling about math. If anything important comes up, or anything that sounds suspicious Nunnally will tell her. When they are alone of course so there is no need for her to be here. If she wanted Suzaku could drift off to sleep and no one would even notice. Even then she blinks her heavy eye lids, translating a few words every so often out of curiosity. It's a sad attempt at trying her best to stay awake during this meeting.

“We’ve also received some annual reports from Euro Britannia...”

Suzaku feels her head dip down as her eyelids grow heavy, jolting when her chin hits her chest. She shifts a little in her seat, trying to wake her body up more. Frowning, she leans a bit back crossing her arms across her chest along with her legs. Another sad attempt to wake herself up in the end that helps a little bit. It gives her enough energy to focus back on the meeting in front of her, hoping that will some how keep her eyes open.

It's funny....even when she was on the student council, the budget meetings were never her thing. She remembers how most days she ended up spacing out, helping when she needed or asked. In those days... **he** tended to take over for Milly. Things like numbers and that were easy for **him** to calculate in **his** head…

 **He** use to tease her so much when she fell asleep during those times. Chuckling to **himself** as **he** shook her shoulder to wake her. Easily pointing out the bit of drool that would roll down her chin before handing her one of **his** handkerchief.

All with that soft smile of **his**.

“ _I know budget meetings aren’t the most interesting but you should really_ _pay attention. You’re lucky it’s me waking you up and not our dear President.”_

 **His** voice was always lighter... _softer_ during those times back at Ashford academy. Those memories makes Suzaku’s heartache the most, wondering if **he** was ever _really_ happy there. It’s hard to say... **he** always hid things from everyone, even Nunnally and Suzaku knows well what **he** hid from her. A part of her would like to think **he** did...or else **he** wouldn’t have cared so much for the school. Even when **he** sent men during the Black Rebellion **he** made sure no students were harmed…

“Are you getting enough sleep? You always seem to be falling asleep during meeting now-a-days. I hope the engineering department isn’t running you dry.”

She blinks at him, the sleep clinging to her eyes as she tries to wake herself up. She rubs them as she sits up, stretching her arms over her head like a lazy cat. Suzaku finds herself smiling at his concern, remembering how he’d ask her this when they were younger. Especially after a good training session with Tohdoh. He always worked her hard, and the little Birtannian Prince was such a worrywart. It's good to see that hasn't changed despite him being bigger than before. For a ten year old Lelouch had been such a goody two shoes it’d annoyed her to no end. Now however….

“Nah they aren’t! My boss and his assistant are pretty nice honestly. I’m just...just some stuffs been happening.” Suzaku shakes her head, thinking of Zero and the Black Knights. If it weren't for them she'd be sleeping more. “I dunno about you though, I’ve seen you falling asleep in class a few times. What happened with Mr. Bedtime?”

Lelouch smiles a bit at that, rolling his eyes at her. “You know exactly what I’ve been doing. You were just in denial that whole time.”

Suzaku blinks at his words, confused by his words. "Lelouch?"

Even with the red light from the sunset caressing his features, he's still so pretty. The light isn't right, far to close too....

“You _always_ knew what I was doing. You just ignored it, shoved your suspicious down because you couldn’t handle the idea...” Lelouch continues on, smile never leaving his lips.

No, stop smiling like that. That isn't right please....She didn't...it's not that she didn't deny it...she really didn't...!!

“N-no I...just...it...” Suzaku finds herself feeling panic begin to rise inside her chest.

She didn't know. She _really, really_ didn't know he was--

Her eyes dart around the room, not wanting to look at Lelouch. But she can't stop staring at his chest, heart thumping in her ears.

A dark stain begins to spread across Lelouch’s chest.

“Really, if you had just come to terms with it sooner...you wouldn’t have had to kill me right? Su--”

“ _Zero!!”_

Suzaku’s heart jumps into her throat as she feels a harsh shake on her knee, her eyes flying open. She’s greeted with the familiar sight of the inside of her helmet, and the worried Nunnally just outside. The empress’s hand squeezes her knee tightly, as Suzaku gets her breathing under control. It's only now realizing how hard she’s panting, her chest heaving as she gasps for air. She presses her hand to her chest, as her eyes slide close. Her heart thumps under fingers, as her breast ache inside her binder with each breath.

A dream.

That had all been a dream? When did she fall asleep? Everything had felt so real...like she really was back in Ashford….

A soft shake distracts her from her thoughts as she finds herself looking at Nunnally one more time. The fear and worry is crystal clear on her young face, making Suzaku’s heart tighten. She shifts, sitting up a bit straighter as she places a hand on top of Nunnally’s. It’s warm, and she can feel the girl is shaking a little bit. Suzaku squeezes it, trying to reassure her that she’s awake and doing much better now.

Suzaku is thankful for the silence that settles around them, and realizes the meeting is over. No one is there but them, which helps her relax. If the previous meeting attendees had been there...Suzaku isn't sure what she would have done.

After a few minutes Nunnally bites her lip, her head turning this way and that before tilting it closer.

“ _Suzaku_ ….are you okay?”

Her voice is soft and quiet, but the whisper is heavy in the air between them as she stares at Suzaku with worried eyes. Guilt begins to eat at Suzaku as she realizes she how much she made Nunnally worry. Even then it's so weird to hear her name after such a long time, that she almost forgot her name. Shifting in her seat again Suzaku finds herself nodding.

Nunnally frowns when she does not speak, leaning forward with a pleading expression. Suzaku does not want to speak...to afraid her voice might crack from her nightmare.

Suzaku lifts and holds her index finger to her helmet around where her lips would be to signal to stay quiet. For a moment Nunnally bites her lip, looking like she’s going to press more but hesitates.

“Alright...if you are sure. You just fell asleep, and nothing could really wake you up.” Nunnally explains as she watches Suzaku.

Suzaku stands, stretching her tired limbs once Nunnally has moved her wheelchair back. Sleep still clings despite this, making her a bit frightened over many things now. She’s been sleeping too much in her opinion, and has been more exhausted than she likes. Suzaku knows she should not be this tired thanks to this.

Even during her worst bouts of depression Suzaku never fell asleep like that...it felt so real...like it wasn’t a dream.

It makes a shiver run down her spine as she lets her arms fall to her side, trying her best to push those feelings to the side. They have other things to do, so no use in delaying and playing around there with this. She’ll go to bed earlier if she can if she’s this tired. After all...what else can she do? Sleep is what her body is craving, so she might as well give it as much as she can.

‘ _Lel….no…_ _.I don’t have time to dwell on that.’_ Suzaku pushes away as much as she can, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment before opening them. _‘I’m Zero now. Zero doesn’t dwell on the past. He looks forward to the future.’_

Before Suzaku can even move away Nunnally’s hand shoots out and grabs her own. Fear runs through her for a moment as the empress closes her eyes, squeezing her hand. She hates when Nunnally does this, wishing for once she could hide her emotions from the girl. But some how...some how she always knows and it’s so hard to lie to her after everything.

“Suzaku…..you’re…. _really_ tired aren’t you?” Nunnally asks as her eyes open.

Suzaku’s takes back her gloved hand, thankful Nunnally does not resist. She holds back a sigh, but does let her shoulders relax in response to that. Now she could talk, feeling a bit better about things. Guess her being tired is over powering all her other feelings…

“Yeah...I am pretty tired.” Suzaku says, her tone more of her own. It’s softer despite the voice changer in the helmet. “I’m sorry for worrying you Nunnally.”

Nunnally brightens at this, a little smile coming to her lips as she shifts in her wheelchair. Humming a bit to herself she presses a finger to her chin as she think. Her eyes brighten as she gently pats her fist into her open hand.

“Well...then I suppose I’ll have to order you to do this, knowing you. So, Zero! I order you to take the day off tomorrow! We can’t have you _falling asleep_ on the job after all.”

Nunnally giggles a little when Suzaku jumps at the order, staring at her with what must be large eyes. But Suzaku let’s out a soft sigh, shaking her head a little as she leans down. Gently she presses her forehead against Nunnally’s who when the cool metal touches her skin.

If there is one thing she can't do it's deny Nunnally’s orders after all.

"If you are going to twist my arm, I suppose I'll have to take a day off." Suzaku huffs, as she stands straight.

She places her hand on the empress's head and begins to rustle her hair, earning her a soft hey. Nunnally pushes away her hand, pouting a bit as she tries to fix her hair.

“Good...I’m glad you understand. I'm being serious her, you need to take care of yourself too...you’re just as important as I am, _Zero._ ” Nunnally says as she pulls on Suzaku's sleeve. “You’re all I have left.”

Her voice is so soft and tiny as she utters those last few words.

Suzaku takes her words in for a moment before giving her a little nod. "I know...and you're right. I'll...I'll try to take care of myself a little better, your Majesty."

She hates that this is a blatant lie but it's not like she can't say anything. Nunnally looks up at her with a bit of doubt but sighs, forcing a smile towards her old friend.

Suzaku understands the girl's worry, having a bit of that herself towards the Empress.

Nunnally is all she has left too after everything.

This is her punishment for everything she’s done. To live under the mask of Zero and make the world a better place. While she doesn’t deserve sleep or any type of luxury, Suzaku does admit she can’t do her job like this.

So maybe taking a day off to sleep won’t be so bad…

* * *

By the end of the day, Suzaku finds herself even more exhausted than how she started. Which is a frustrating sense as she stretches her arms above her head, trying to wake herself up. She has no more time to be tired, especially with the sparing session that is coming up. Suzaku would never forgive herself if Jeremiah won today because she’s a little sleepy. The damn cyborg would never let her live it down and be even more annoying than Nunnally.

So she begins to bounce a bit on the tip of her toes when she let’s her arms drop to her side. Trying to get that sweet energy moving inside of her so she at least stands a chance against the Jeremiah. It helps a little as her blood begins to flow through her body, which is more than enough for her.

Hell she's fought in worse condition than she is now, and still came out on top.

The large training space is something **he** made for her while he was emperor. Hidden in the same part of the palace as her room, it consists of a large enough space for her to get some sort of running. Along with a few other activities of course, running is good as a start but other muscles are important too. Weights, and other gym equipment are set off in their own area with a closed door. This let's this one being wide open for whatever she needs on top of running.

There is a similar room to this at the Black Knight's base, something that Suzaku is thankful for. It's one of **his** last gifts to her.

 **He** wanted to make sure she could stay in shape, and it shows with how big this place is. There are days where she wishes there were some windows instead of the bright artificial light from above. Not that she deserves that kind of luxury.

“I heard from our Empress that you’ve been a bit tired lately. I hope you understand despite this news, I will not go easy on you….Suzaku.”

Suzaku rolls her eyes as she turns to look at Jeremiah as he adjusts his gloves. He's smiling at her with that familiar excited gleam in his eyes. Despite being "retired", every so often the man makes his way to Pendragon. More or less because he likes to check in on Nunnally, and deliver a large crate of oranges from his farm. Sparing with Suzaku is an extra they both decided on a few months ago, and found to enjoy.

For her, it’s a good chance to keep moving and up to date on her sword play. Jeremiah’s reason is similar, but a little less intense considering his body. He has no real need to keep in shape given his mechanical anatomy doing that for him. Even so Jeremiah has expressed there are times he fears he might be getting "rusty".

And that can’t happen with Nunnally on the throne.

Suzaku agrees with his line of thought there.

“Wouldn’t want it any other way, Jeremiah.” Suzaku says with a smirk.

He chuckles a little, before tossing her sword over. Suzaku catches with ease, finding the weight familiar in her hand. An odd mix of calming, and excitement comes from this as she wraps her hand around the hilt. This really starts to wake her up as she pulls the sword from the sheath, tossing that to the ground. It’s been a long time since she’s been able to spar, and given her current mood it’s the perfect thing to shake everything up.

She holds the sword out in front of her with two hands, a familiar stance that Tohdoh taught her so man years ago. Suzaku was never able to shake out more than a few kendo moves from him, but it’s more than enough to take down Jeremiah. She’s done so before after all…

With a flick of his arm Jeremiah’s sword swishes out from under his coat’s sleeve. He lifts up his arm, and points the sword at her, with a wide smirk spreading across his lips.

“Training rules as always.” Anya’s familiar soft voice, comes from the side as she approaches. “Remember no killing each other, and no injuries. Those are the rules Empress Nunnally has set for you two. First person to knock down their opponent and point the sword at their throat wins.”

Looking between the two fighters, Anya sees them nod in agreement and lifts her hand. She pauses for a moment, letting the tense energy between Jeremiah and Suzaku rise. Suzaku licks her lips as she stares into Jeremiah's eyes, while he grips his fighting hand into a fist. Anya slices through the air with her arm, bringing it down with ease.

“Begin.”

With that simple word, Suzaku rushes forward and moves her sword to swipe at Jeremiah’s left. He blocks it with ease and the clang of their swords echo inside the training area. Out of the corner of her eye Suzaku sees Anya walk back, giving them all the space they need, and sits down on a bench. When she’s sure the girl is out of the way, Suzaku is the first to move from this stalemate.

She always moves first, knowing exactly how to take down an opponent like Jeremiah. While she is far stronger than the average woman, she still has a bit less stamina than a man like the cyborg before her.

The smartest move for her is to act fast, and get him down before she runs out of energy. That is if she wants to win this little match. And she so does want to win.

A sly smile from Jeremiah confirms he's caught on, blocking her swipe from the right with ease. He pushes back against her and goes in for his own jab of his sword towards her side. Suzaku jumps out of the way, barley missing the blade’s edge before she recovers and goes right back at him.

The sound of their swords clanging and chime in the air each time they hit dominate the area. Out of the corner of her eye Suzaku notices Anya is recording the fight with her phone. It’s funny how much she has changed in a few short months. Even if she still is into her phone of course, Suzaku thinks to herself as she flips away from one of Jeremiah’s attacks.

While still quiet, there’s a happier air around the girl than when they’d been knights together. She imagines getting her memory back helped Anya with that. Add in living with a man like Jeremiah it's probably not hard to smile more. His loud personality and brashness can be charming in it’s own right and it is infections when the time is right.

Having Anya in on this whole secret had been a little nerve wracking at first. But after talking a bit more….Suzaku admits she’s a bit glad she’s there. Out of them all, she did find the smallest knight to be the easiest to be around, what with most of them being stand offish. Only Gino was the friendlier of the bunch, which even now she misses a little bit.

Only a little bit of course...

“You’re getting sloppy Kururugi!!”

Jeremiah’s sharp yell brings Suzaku out of her thoughts, and block a swipe from the right. It hits her hard, causing her to slide back far. She stumbles for a second but rights herself, holding her sword out in front of her. Blinking, Suzaku’s world blurs for a moment as she realizes that she’s panting a bit hard.

‘ _It hasn’t been that long since this started...’_ She thinks to herself as she adjust her hold on the sword. ' _To get this exhausted this fast....I must really_ _be tired_ _that’s it.’_

It has to be...with how uneven her breathing is and the black spots that appear in her vision. That’s what’s throwing her off, she’s just tired…once this fight is over she'll let herself crash.

That will fix it....It _has_ to fix it!

“Kururugi!!”

The sharp yell from Jeremiah startles her, and she barley blocks a hard hit from him. She slides back on her heels as he presses forward, that familiar excited grin on his lips. He pushes his weight against her sword, making her stumble! But she keeps herself focused, biting her lip as she pushes back. Her vision is blurrier now….even as she blinks as fast as she can, trying to focus on the cyborg

Jeremiah frowns as he leans in a bit closer. “…You...you’re breathing hard.”

Sucking in a sharp breath through her teeth, Suzaku pushes back against his weight. It makes him stumble just for a second before he quickly regains his footing. Jeremiah stares down at her, no longer amused with this fight. He’s even blurrier now, making her wonder how the hell she can tell, it must be how his form shifts. The pressure on her sword lessens, and the familiar grinding noise of steel against steel reaches her ears as he moves.

“Kururgi you are looking worse. Are you sick?” He asks, as her whole body begins to shake.

Suzaku squeezes her eyes shut as she let’s out a sharp cry, pushing Jeremiah away. Sweat drips down her forehead as she stumbles forward eyes open now. She can see him a few feet away, a tall blob that is watching her. Taking a single step forward causes the whole world begins to swirl around her. She almost pukes right there as a harsh wave of nausea rushes over. She swallows it down and takes another step forward.

She doesn’t need his concern! Suzaku knows she can work through this...

“I’m….I’m...f-fin--”

The worlds die on her lips as she falls forward, her vision going black. The last thing she hears is her sword clattering to the ground as she drops it, and the sound of Jeremiah screaming her name.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy it's been a while since I've posted. Well here it is! A new story when I should probably be focusing on like...my 5 other ongoing ones. Either way, I was working on this one for a while and I'm glad to get it out. Suzaku as a woman is really interesting to me? Mostly because it seems like there are zero stories out there with this. And the stuff that is there is kind of...well not what I'm looking for. So I basically have to do this myself? I already know how Suzaku handles stuff as himself, so I got curious what would go on and how things would change with Suzaku as a girl. Which is a lot the more I thought about it. So this, and a few other fics came out and here we are.
> 
> Either way, this was a lot of fun to set up and write. Suzaku's in a horrible state of mind after the Zero Requiem and some Drama is on it's way in to make things complicated. I don't really have much more to add to this to be honest, outside of this story being more rated T than actually E. The explicit stuff is coming next chapter, and that's really about it. I will also be adding characters since that's easier to do than just dumping it in one go. Other than that I hope you all enjoyed it. Please leave a comment down below! This seriously helps me out, and motivates me to get the second chapter done faster than if I'm just on my own. 
> 
> Like I said before, hope you enjoyed my story and please don't forget to comment! They make my day!


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